Yeah, said I would write every day. Definitely didn’t happen over spring break. Hell, I am late on my video too, which might get done right now because I will be sitting in the airport til 5ish. My flight was at 4…so much for that.
Spring break was lots of fun. I already miss being at home though. My bed, my friends, my parents, and all that good stuff. A lot of talking happened, a lot of nonsense occurred, and there was much rejoicing. And now I’m going back to La Jolla where I will be a busy as ever.
Grade turn-out last quarter: C+ in Chem6a, B in math20a, B in hum1, and A- in playwriting. Not half bad considering I thought I was failing math. And my overall gpa so far is 3.26. Intense like camping. This quarter I am pretty much taking all the same classes, but substitute in sign language for playwriting. I need to start my language requirement like NOW. I’d wait for german but I can’t afford to. If I still really want to take it, I just might next year.
I’m going to miss my theatre class, but I think Nomads will keep me busy. I’m probably gonna audition for the asian american theatre festival…yes, I know I am not asian. xp Auditions always freak me out though, even if it’s for people that I know. I just need to calm the hell down and find a monologue. Auditions are thursday/friday.
As for my personal life…things are better? Nick and I decided to break for spring quarter and try it again in the summer. And then we realized that our definition of a break was pretty much the same thing as being together, but talking less. So we are doing that. I’m happy with it, because I won’t feel like I am neglecting him or any of that, and I still get to keep him. But 2 and a half months is way too long to wait to see him again. <3
Math final tomorrow. Was going to study today. Didn’t. And now I am scared I won’t be prepared. And instead of studying I am writing this. Go figure.
Talked to him tonight. Thought I would make another list to help clear my head. I have no fucking clue what I want anymore.
Reasons to stay away
1. I am down in San Diego. He is not.
2. Not having to worry about how I act around other guys is nice.
3. Not having to worry about telling someone where I am is nice.
4. I am becoming a new person down here and should take advantage of the opportunities in college.
5. He can make me feel incredibly awful like no one else can.
6. I don’t see him fitting in with my new situation.
7. I’m not sure I’d want to marry him, and I have a feeling at some point things wouldn’t work out.
Reasons to try and make it work
1. I will still get to spend all summer with him, and when we both have cars, the distance will be less of an issue.
2. Knowing that he is out there and loves me is the best thought in the world.
3. He can make me feel incredibly happy like no one else can.
4. Being with him makes every-day things ten times better, and he can instantly put a smile on my face. Shopping, cooking, watching tv, doing chores…
5. I want him to myself. That smile, those eyes…I don’t want them pointed at anyone else. They were only meant for me.
6. He’s all the qualities that I need. Patient, sweet, supportive, and understanding. And he puts up with all of my flaws.
7. I love him. I honestly do. He is the first guy that I can ever say that I love with all of my heart. He is the only other person on this planet who I have opened up my entire self to and he still loves me. That is pretty much a miracle, trust me. I am awful to deal with.
8. Things could work out. So far he’s one of the best things to ever happen to me.
I know everybody in my life is telling me that I should move on. I know that would be the smart thing to do. But to be honest, I’m not that smart, especially when it comes to how I handle my relationships. I have to wait until spring break to see what is going to happen. I don’t know what I want for the future, but right now I’d really just like to break down crying in his arms.
I had my hum final today and based on my predicted course, I figured that my brain would now be thoroughly beaten to a pulp. But surprisingly, it’s not. Yes, the final was annoying and a pain. But it wasn’t that bad. And as soon as I walked out and saw that my last essay, which is worth 25% of my grade, got a B, it was like the heavens had opened up and smiled down upon me and said today is good. A B from Benny Cohen = some kind of freakin’ miracle accomplishment. That might be the highest grade he’s given out all quarter.
The day continued to be kind of really amazing. Sat around with Mel, eating ice cream and watching VH1. Then went off to Mickey’s and had lots of interesting, stress-free fun there. And now I am back home, have taken a shower, and will soon drift off to sleep. Good day. These final week days have been good…what the hell is happening? The world is upside down.
Friday I will finally be free. And I’ll get to go do fun things with fun people and stay up late chatting. But then I have to return to the reality of my past on Saturday, which I am not looking forward to, quite frankly. Don’t get me wrong, I will enjoy seeing my parents. And a few people. But half of my friends are going to be gone, and I’m gonna miss the ones down here! I don’t know how I am gonna last the whole summer. I am definitely gonna come back down for a week or two to visit. :)
And then of course there is that ever-pressing issue on my mind. It’s clearly over. He clearly wants nothing to do with me, and I know I don’t want to even go there with him. But there are moments. Moments where I see a couple kissing or smiling like we used to do and it makes me miss cuddling on the couch watching food network or some show he didn’t want to see but would anyway because he loved me. I was so happy. We were so happy. I wish I could just keep that part and leave all the shit that was attached. Of course, I can’t, because bad always comes with the good. I still miss him. That’ll go away in time, I know, but that part of me that loves him so deeply isn’t gonna go away over night. I have to work at chipping it away.
You won’t read this, I know. You are trying to forget. I am too. I love you and I wish I could make you feel better but I can’t. It’s over, and talking to you is just going to make you hurt like you make me hurt. Only 2 more days and I’m back and then it will really all be gone. Erased. I’ll give back your stuff and all the little lovey things you gave me because they aren’t true anymore. It’s for the best, I know. It just never feels like it right at the moment.
My brain today has actually started to solidify again. Today was actually really okay. Slept in til 10:30 for the first time all quarter on a Tuesday. Had lunch with Mel. Went and studied in that giant space ship on campus. Quibs came and poked around for a bit. Then had dinner with Mel and a long conversation on stuff, which was fun. Then went walking with Quibs and had a long conversation with her about stuff, which was also fun. Then I kicked Griffin in the shins. Now I am writing this.
The only blender incident today was finding out I got a C on the final for chem. Which means that I probably got a C in the class…I predict that will also be my grade in Math and quite possibly hum, depending on if I can get a B on the final tomorrow. But because it’s Benny, I highly doubt it. *sigh* I feel good about today, overall though. And after my HUM final, I will also feel good about tomorrow. And after my math final friday, I will also feel good about that day.
I’ve been feeling good. And I hope it’ll continue, because I’ve got good people in my life and I’m trying to cut out the bad parts. I just hope they haven’t infected the rest of me beyond repair. I just have to try. No one can keep me down but me. :) And possibly lead weights.
Had my chem final this morning. I can never tell how those things go. I walk out feeling neither confident or devastated. My brain is putty now. Almost gelatinous.
I’m stressing now. Not because of finals. Yes, because I’m talking to him again. I had a few days off. I wasn’t the happiest, but it was easy to forget. And he keeps telling me that I have to face him and this issue that I made, but damn it, why? It’s so much easier to forget. Had I known that I was going to stomp my own heart to the floor I probably wouldn’t have opened my damn mouth. I never expect things to get serious in a relationship. And then they do. And then they end. And it’s like “shit”. Honestly, I think he’s trying to make me depressed. He says he is and then whines about how he’s not over me and then I start feeling depressed and needy and then he shuts himself down. He’s acting like me. No way in hell am I gonna let him win.
Note to me:
I know this is hard for you. I know that you love him and that until you find someone else to love, he’s it to you. You are under the impression that no other guy will ever love you, and you’ll never find another person to love. I can’t see into the future; I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I know that when I am weak, this is what I need to hear: someone will love you. You’re 18. You have a lot of life left, too much to be squandering with someone who you know isn’t the one. Remember your old rule? YOU DO NOT DATE AN EX. YOU BROKE UP WITH HIM FOR A REASON. And hell, even if you never find another guy and end up alone, who the fuck cares? You have people who love you. You love you. And who gives a fuck about what some guy thinks? No man is ever worth crying over. In a few years he’ll be another stain in your memory. Best thing to do now is find yourself: go out with friends, work out, be happy, invest in yourself and your future. When you are doing all this, you’ll find someone. I promise.
And don’t forget to balance out those tears with a smile. Smiling makes everything better, and you’re a lot cuter when you smile. :)
Today is the first day of the last week of the quarter. We’re past dead week. This means we are officially into zombie week. CLICS is inhabited by a host of sleep-deprived, sweat-pant wearing, hollowed out shells of students who have sold their souls to Mephistophilis in order to pass their finals. I’ve been sitting among them for the past 8 hours trying to study chem with little to know avail. And now I am writing this. Damn.
I imagine that by the end of the week, my brain will have become so disolved as a zombie that instead of being the consistancy of thick pudding, it’ll be more like a melted, chunky smoothie. And when I get too weak, I’ll fall and the rest of the student population will swoop down and rip off my limbs and crack open my skull like a coconut. I should finish that chem stuff I’ve been ignoring. Tehehe.
Jesus, I am tired right now. And I really need a shower.
Now for something completely different...optimism!
I promised myself I was going to post tonight. I promised myself that much, because I felt like such shit yesterday and I’d like to post at least one thing per day so I can keep track of myself. But after playing rockband, going to see a show, hanging out blowing receipts at TapEx, and playing a very long game of settlers, I am in much too good of a mood to be self deprecating or depressed about all of the shit that is going on in my brain. I used to do lists when I couldn’t squeeze anything poetic out. I guess that’s what I will do now. Lots of lists. Be prepared.
What I’m scared of right now:
~Finals. If I don’t do good on them, I’ll fail some classes, which I can’t let happen. Today was my day to relax, tomorrow there will be much studying.
~Gaining weight. I feel so fat right now and the fact that ice cream makes me feel better isn’t helping.
~Going back home.
~Dealing with all my personal relationship shit. And no, I don’t care if anyone who is involved with it reads this.To be honest, I already know what my decision is going to be. I’ll be following my head this time, because hearts are so unreliable. And as much as it kills me and as much time as I will spend time crying after the fact, it’s for the best. I’ve been comfortable for so long I’ve forgotten how to be a whole person and stand on my own two feet. The thought that I won’t have someone holding me up scares the shit out of me. But it’s college. Time to face my fears, right?
~Continuing the last bullet point…I was acting stupid about someone who’s been absolutely great to me. I hope he’ll still hug me next time I see him. I’d miss having a surrogate big brother.
~Right now, I am scared of being alone. Especially with myself.
What I know will get me through the scary stuff:
~All of my new friends here. You probably won’t read this, but if you do…Mel, Quibs, Lizzie, Cece, and the other Nomads. I love you guys to absolute death. You make me smile like crazy. You have helped me come out of my shell. You make me laugh out loud. You have helped me through some bad feelings. And you have given me oodles of hugs and good times. Thanks for making the past two weeks so completely amazing. Here is to many more. <3
~The fact that my visit home will be brief enough to finish my buisness, say hi to a few people that I’ve been missing, spend time with my parents, and then run back here. My old life is starting to disolve before my eyes, and all I want to do is continue starting here.
~The Nomads productions. THANK GAWD FOR THEM. I need to be busy if I am gonna be happy.
~My parents. Even talking to them on skype makes me smile. I feel like we have a better relationship now that I only get to see them for a few weeks at a time. We appreciate eachother more.
~Me. I will have to get myself through the scary stuff. Because late at night when I start to cry because of how alone I feel, I am the only one who can hold me. The only one who can make it all better. The only one who knows my deepest secrets and can build me back up to be better than before.
Things I am looking forward to:
~New memories with new people.
~Starting to live my life the way I want to live it.
I felt like shit for the first two quarters here. I cried and wanted to transfer because I felt like I didn’t matter. I hated myself. I’ve always hated myself. And damn it, I am sick of hating myself. Sure, I have a lot of faults, and a lot of things I wish I could change about myself. But so do most people. And on the whole, I may be a little broken inside, but there somewhere in the emotional mess is something that people like. A happy, attractive, intelligent, and funny girl is hiding in there. I’ve seen her. And as a personal mission to myself, I want to sweep away the bad and bring her front and center. None of the walls, none of the nervousness, none of the fears. I just want to be me, the honest me. Just go for it, you know? I need to go for it.