I love it when I can find posts like this on sites like these. They make me feel not so alone with my problems. It seems that this is my problem with everyone important with my life…friends, family…and it’s because they always leave. That’s why. I keep thinking back to when Anicka died. I know we weren’t super close, but she was my idol and I felt abandoned. I still wonder what it would be like for her to see us kids all grown up. And then that leads to old friends moving away, or making new friends, or starting new lives. And I am doing all those things too, but I can’t help but feel like everyone that is important to me is nothing more than a transitional phase to the next part of my life. And I hate that. I hate finding someone I trust, only to have them disappear and leave me all alone. But it happens so much that now I just assume people will leave, so it’s hard to want to bother getting close anymore. There is still a part of me that desperately wishes that I could find that one person who will prove me wrong.
I am learning to hold back and let go of a lot. It may not be healthy some of the time, but it helps me sort through what I’m really feeling and what my emotions are telling me I’m feeling. Not to mention it’s less annoying to those around me. >< Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in my bed. It’s twice as big as the one in my dorm, and without a room mate, it honestly gets a little lonely at night.
Time for lists again:
- Things I am letting go of:
1) The fact that things aren’t like they were before I left for college. My home, my friends, my priorities. Nothing is the same. Not that I wanted it to be.
2) The possibility of being friends. I tried. I honestly did. I tried to be the bigger person and make peace. But I’ve been treated like shit so many times, now I just don’t give a fuck.
3) The little things. So I didn’t get invited. So I haven’t gotten my way. So he didn’t text me. So what?
- Things I am holding back:
1) How much I know that I’m failing at being who I want to be.
2) How much I am scared about my future and where I am heading.
3) How much I care about all the things I am trying to let go, because they all kinda bug the crap outta me.
4) How insecure I really am about pretty much everything regarding my present situation, and how hurt I still am about things that have been said, and how awful I feel for stupidly caring as much as I do when there is nothing to care about.
5) Giving out trust to people, because they rarely deserve it.
6) Telling anybody any of these, because I feel stupid believing that any of it matters to anyone.
I know I’ve got plenty of people who care about me out there. And I appreciate it. And maybe someday I’ll see that’s enough instead of focusing on the empty spots. :p
I write a lot of these and erase them. Maybe this one I won’t.
Life is moving and it’s hard to keep up. I feel like everybody wants something, but it’s all too much for me to handle. And the things that I want most I can’t ask for, and everything I end up feeling I’ve been pushing down inside me and trying to erase.
In an effort for me to remember what I want…
5) To pick a major, enjoy myself, find a job that is mildly relevant to that major, and have fun with said job.
4) To start a family (at some point in the very distant future).
3) To find that perfectly-flawed someone who loves me and who I love back, and to hopefully never let go of said person.
2) To finally love myself, despite all that’s wrong with me.
1) To be happy.
A lot of times, I let people who mean a lot to me change how I act or how I feel, and I shut up about how I feel to make other people feel better. I am not gonna lie, getting tired of it. I want someone to hold me up too.