May 2011
The universe is playing a cruel joke on me.
It offers me someone who listens, cuddles, kisses softly, tells me that I am beautiful, stays up late, texts me for no reason, offers to walk a mile across campus just to walk me home, laughs at the stupid things that I say, likes the same music I do, always wants to know what I think, and tells me that he wants to take it slow because he doesn’t...
I can’t see correctly. In like 72 hours, I have gotten 14 hours of sleep. I am randomly passing out. I am dillusional.
Last night I went to cute boys again, and stayed their late, again. We cuddled for four hours. I loved it…he was so warm and strong…but it was really difficult to leave. Bad idea. Now today my friends are here and I want to be excited and like...
Ugh. This sucks.
Day 2 and a half, post-David. And I am STILL not sad…like at all. Like I mean there is a little bit of “meh”, but every time I think of him, I can only focus on how happy I am to be without all of the drama. I have had this stupid grin plastered on my face and even when I get lonely at night, I still don’t want him. I want it to hit me and to be...
Hi tumblr. I am sorry that I have been spamming you with the shit that’s happening in my life. But this is the only place that I can write almost whatever I want and a few select people who know me can see it. Here is a baby rabbit:
SO CUTE. And now time for more drama.
So I went to get my sleeping bag from David’s place (he said he would like to see me anyway), so I go over to...
This sounds conceded and terrible, but I am all too good at attracting men. Especially when I don’t need them.
Sat on the couch until four.
Him: It’s getting late. You should go home soon so we can get some sleep.
Me: Okay, I’ll go.
Him: No, I said soon. Not now.
Me: I feel bad keeping you up.
Him: Noooooo, I don’t mind.
(Several moments of starring later)
Me:...
Dear tumblr,
I am single.
And you know what? It’s gonna be difficult. And weird. But for the first time in several months, I am happy and relieved.
New adventures and things. :)
Fuck Everyone.
David,
Fuck you. I’m not a yoyo. When I said “I will leave you alone so you can have more time for yourself and in return, you should treat me better when we hang out”, I meant it. So why the fucking texts asking me to hang out? I just spent the night at your place. You wanted more time to yourself. Please stop sending me all this mixed message shit. I am trying to give you what...
You see that grey puddle? That's my brain.
Okay, if there was ever doubt before that the universe is out to destroy me, you can throw that out the window. Because FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, my life and sanity are crumbling to the ground.
I hung out with cute guy a fair amount between my last post and now, and it was super nice to be treated nicely by a sweet guy. I miss it, because at this point my relationship with David has deteriorated into a...
Dear seemingly every man who has been in my life/who is in my life right now,
Fuck off and be normal. Why must you swarm me all at once?
I am dying inside.
Dear world,
Stop presenting me with things I could have in an alternate time life. You are a cruel cruel mistress. You suck.
Love,
Sanaya
Mhmmm.
6 different beds
A couch
Top of Blake
Top of Tioga
Classroom, as of tonight.
Last Day of Hum Madness #1
Hey Tumblr. Sorry for spamming your dash yesterday. BUT GUESS WHAT? I have my last hum essay of EVER to write today, so that means another full day of me decenting into madness.
This one is about TS Elliot and Camus, so I think I will survive. Just like…why can’t life give me a frackin’ day off?
I am all sad and sleepy, getting by on non-coffee Starbucks and Australian-themed...
Day of Madness #5
It’s getting bad. The last show was all messed up because we just got the actress back today and this is our first tech with her. Everyone in antsy. My stage manager is all pissed off, no one can stop talking over the headset. My lighting designer is all “BLEH, NO ONE IS COOPERATING”. And I feel like punching a baby. Time to digeridoo to relieve stress.
OH, and in case you were...
Day of Madness #4
Just finished the first of 2 showcases and feel like punching something. So much yelling. So many people. There are like 70 actors milling around. Ugh.
My view out of the booth. Coincidentally, this is the only theater that has what I think is the same light board as my high school did.
Still no text from David. I really wish he’d just fucking message me. But I guess this means he...
Day of Madness #3
Five minute break. Show is going okay, but so many people are talking over the headset that my head is spinning. I can’t hear my lighting designer’s meek voice over the roar of the stage manager.
Everybody yells as soon as the plays stop.
People are just like flippin out.
On the plus side, I managed to survive the rapture, and no burning pits of hell so far.
On the down side, no...
Day of Madness #2
It’s 4:30. Waiting for the rapture to start. Was under the impression I was getting a break from 3 to 5. Got released at 3:11 and was told to be back at 4:30. Ran home, showered, changed, and cooked myself a spice-rubbed chicken breast with honey-vinegar marinade. Like a boss.
Still waiting for any sign of contact from David cuz he said he wanted to hang for a bit. Haven’t had any...
Day of Madness #1
It’s the 6th day of my lighting practicum, and I am here from 10 to 3, and then from 5 to 11. So I am here all day. WHICH MEANS since I am on my period, coming off some horrible birth control, and will be sitting in the dark doing nothing, I will be getting crazier and crazier. And probably cry a little.
THIS is the face of someone who slept through her alarm and didn’t have time to...
Another Letter
Dear Asshole,
Just because my vocabulary isn’t as VERBOSE and OBNOXIOUS as yours is doesn’t mean that I am stupid or that you have any right to talk down to me. Yes, I am not a science major (though my BS in cog sci may disagree), but that doesn’t invalidate my opinions in an argument. Because you choose to discuss things that YOU know, like amino acids, particle waves, and d...
Either freakin date me or don’t. SERIOUSLY, I want someone to hang out with and fuck and cuddle and love.
If you would not like to be this person, then TRUST ME, I can find someone else who would jump at the chance. -.-;
Things I Hate #24
When people you can’t get enough of are tired of talking to you.
BLEHHH.
Day 2 of practicum. It’s fun, but sitting in the darkness with a bag of Reeces pieces over a light bored for 7 hours a night is not exactly sanity-restoring. MY FACE is tired. And going crazy. And needs new birth control.
I need cuddles and lovin tonight.
37247.) i'm graduating high school in less than 3...
Was feeling a little nostalgic for high school, in that I wanted to go sit on the field bleachers and look up at the blue sky surrounded by open space and outlined by trees on all sides.
Another class is graduating the valley, and I’m sure they are all feeling “OMG, going to college, gonna miss my friends, life is changing and I am kinda scared, yadda yadda”. And I suppose I...
……Sex?
Procrastination has hit and I have been reminded of these damn internet survey things. Productivity, deactivate!
1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would consider having sex with?
~ YES. And one that I am doing just that with.
2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
~ Night sex. I’d do it any time, but there is a special sort of sex at 3am when you are half asleep and use the...
36720.) i randomly get upset sometimes and i want...
How I feel right now. How you make me feel. How I feel when I go crazy and scream and cry and kick. How I feel when I want to cut deep into my body to get back at you. How I feel when I realize you don’t even care. How I feel when I realize how much time I have wasted with you, and how much better I deserve.
Having a wonderful day reading a book. Was going to go to the pool with some friends, but because of my boyfriend’s inability to fucking TEXT ME, I sat outside the pool for 15 minutes alone. And then it started to rain.
Fuck this.
Sanaya is happy. Sanaya finally finished Dexter season 5, made steamed carrots for dinner and a baked apple for desert, cuddled up on her favorite boy who called her pretty multiple times, and got to that special crazy spot where she is really weird, but everyone else is so tired that it becomes funny.
Win today. :D
Urk. Gaining weight. Like still able to fit into my jeans, but the pounds are adding up. I need to loose 5 to get back where I was. Looks like it’s time for me to start watching what I eat again…
Dear Everyone,
(Everyone meaning random strangers, select people I am close with, and one person who I used to be close with who I now wish would go and jump off a cliff. And most people know who he is…)
I don’t know what I did to you to make you so goddamn upset at me, but after 3 days of feeling random hostility towards myself for no good reason from strangers and people I considered friends, I...
