I can feel the cycle starting again. Something upsets me, I get angry, I push people away, I cry, then I cut, then I cry, then I finally calm down and snap back and feel guilty for making a scene. SO, instead of going through that, i am journaling. That’s what my therapist told me to do. I am gonna journal so I feel like I am talking to someone. Then I am going to go paint decorations for my new dorm room. And I am gonna be fine, damn it.
For reals, I am going crazy and it’s not even funny. The past week, I’ve been totally fine. Like legitly somewhat happy, a little down, but not enough to make me cry or go crazy. I’ve been emailing David once a day, he emails back, it makes me happy to know he is having fun and thinking about me.
And then last night he gets wifi so I can talk to him.
This is a mistake.
Because for some reason beyond my comprehension, this drives me to the brink of emotional sanity. It tosses up all my insecurities, makes me deeply upset, and the only thing I can think of is how badly I would love a sharp piece of metal in my arm. AND THE BOY ISN’T EVEN DOING ANYTHING. For reals, he’s not ignoring me, he’s not getting angry. He’s listening and being sweet. He is literally doing nothing wrong. So I don’t know why I am getting so upset. And I feel bad because I want to stop myself but I can’t. Once I start crying I just spiral out of control until I either slice myself open or spend an hour scratching at my skin and screaming “EVERYONE FUCK OFF.” I seriously can’t deal with it. And last night I was proud: I didn’t cut. I just cried…a lot. And then after a very long period of time the sadness turned off and I was fine, like it never happened.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But David flips a switch in me. He doesn’t have to do anything bad, I have just so many pent up insecurities and I am so scared of making him angry at me or fucking up that I just assume I will. Even though he has told me he won’t get angry, he wants to be there for me, and he will help me through it. And I really believe him. I just…I am so used to not talking to him openly about that. I am so stuck in thinking that he will get angry like my mom used to when I cry. I am so used to seeing myself as a problem that he has to deal with and I freakin hate that.
But I need to realize that he is telling me, repeatedly, that I am not a problem. That he loves me and wants to help me deal with how I am feeling. That he will chase after me if that’s what I need because I am worth it.
And I need to learn how to trust him emotionally because HE is worth it. He is really trying to be everything I need. And I should just let him.
And Lina, your post makes me feel so weak, because of all my emotional crap over boys that is stupid. But thanks for writing it, because I was starting to spiral and it reminded me to calm down, focus on me, and embrace the strong, independent woman inside me. That’s totally cliche, but whatever. xp It gave me some desperately needed perspective is what I am trying to say. So thanks. And I’m glad you are doing well. :)
Bah, okay. Feeling much better. Calming down. Gonna go use my new paints. :D Wooo!
Never thought I’d say it, but please come back. I miss you. Complex, but uncomplicated you. I am your Venus, still…I hope. Visit me again and save me from myself. My bad decisions. My filthy weakness. My sorry existence. You are the chaos within my heart, always changing rhythm to something I cannot follow. You are the synapses in my skull, developing, multiplying, deteriorating. You are the excitement in my existence.